Anxiety
Me? High strung?
Ok, yes I am. Been that way for as long as I can remember. I have had loads of counseling and some medications, yet the anxiety remains the same. I guess I wouldn’t be me without autism and I also wouldn’t be me without anxiety. It is an inbuilt thing. Counseling seems to make me more anxious at times. Because I am talking about what makes me anxious and also remembering more things to be anxious about. Medication can dull the anxiety. But when the medication wears off, I am just as anxious as ever.
Sleep is my escape from anxiety and so I like to do a lot of it! At the end of an anxiety-filled day, it is a relief for my brain to relax. It seems that whenever I am awake, I am worrying. And if I am not worrying, I start to worry that I have forgotten something that I should be worrying about. This is not healthy, I know it is not, but my brain and thoughts cannot help themselves.
I may appear happy and carefree at times, but geez, deep down I am worrying myself silly over something. It does lead to physical symptoms - headaches and stomachaches (I have been diagnosed with IBS) and these tell me I need to take time out and do something relaxing. In the past, when I went to a camp at age 14, I couldn’t relax. So I spent the week feeling ill and even throwing up a few times out of sheer anxiety. When the camp was over, I wondered what I was so worried about, there was nothing really bad that happened. But I was so relieved to go home. Back to what was familiar.
There have been times in my life where anxiety was minimal (unfortunately not right now). A few years ago I used to live alone and I had a secure job where a roster system was put in place and I knew what jobs I would be doing every day. Every day after work was practically the same - I would go home, have a shower, do some gardening or some housework, have dinner, watch tv and then read a little bit before bed. Weekends were the same. First day: pay bills and do my food shopping and any other shopping that needed to be done. Second day: spend time with family or a friend or just stay at home and do my own thing. It was a secure time in my life.
Right now my life is chaotic to me. I have mental health difficulties and there is no routine, I have no job and we have little money. So yes, anxiety abound! But I know it is possible to get back to the security I had before. I just have to work at it to get there.
Filed by renaeden at February 19th, 2008 under Autism and me...