Eye Contact
This is a tough subject because it is very difficult to explain.
I am not very good at eye contact. In my autism report it is quoted by my mum (who was interviewed separately) that my gaze is often “off to one side”. During my assessment, I spent virtually the whole time looking at the floor.
I do not recognise people by their whole faces but rather their face in parts. Their nose, the shape of their mouth, their eyebrows (I am a big fan of eyebrows, the shape of them and their expressiveness) which is a good thing because if you look at the features on someone’s face apart from the eyes, it can be as good as eye contact to that person. A doctor who knows I am autistic remarked on how good my eye contact is. But what I was really looking at were her glasses. They were rimless and looked very delicate to me.
I can look few people in the eyes comfortably. My mum and my stepdad. My husband (although his eyes are are dark and their gaze can be piercing so sometimes I find it uncomfortable (it is good that his eyebrows are an interesting shape)). I can also look at a person’s eyes if they are not looking at mine. Well, really I have to do this if I am to watch movies and tv shows. Eyes are fascinating, there are so many colours.
I guess that is the word I am looking for: piercing. An unknown person looking me in the eyes pierces my protective shell that I keep around myself in social situations. It is like they have gotten through and they are seeing my private self. It can feel powerfully invasive. Almost like being seen naked, except it is my mind and not my body.
If someone is my friend or they are a person who is interested in getting to know me, I can allow myself a few split-seconds of eye contact. As I get to know someone better, I can do this more often. Before I was diagnosed with autism, I thought everyone did the same as I did with eye contact. But I do remember teachers asking me to look at them and now I realise they wanted me to make good eye contact with them. I know that looking away can be seen as lying or hiding something and I have been told not to lie when really I am not even lying in the first place. Then the more I look away, the more dishonest I seem but I feel the pressure to make eye contact rising and that just makes it even more difficult for me.
I wonder what nonautistic people do with eye contact. Do they do it for a set amount of time? I know it is rude to stare but where is the border between polite and rude? Does it depend on the subject matter at hand as to how much eye contact to make? Does it differ in the amount between families and then those you work with?
This is indeed a tough subject.
Filed by renaeden at January 29th, 2008 under Autism and me...