More writings from hospital.
17-12-07
To describe my room: room is square with a bit of a corner cut off, maybe for storage on the other side. Green carpet, the sort you would not kneel on because it would hurt the knees, scratchy. There is black skirting boards all the way around and the walls are painted a very light green.. I see four power points, two for power and two for lights. When the outside switch is turned on for the light in this room, it is dim. I guess this is so the nurses who may have to come into the room at night don’t shock the patient into complete wakefulness.
I have a set of three drawers with a tiltable mirror on top. It is all a light grey. I put my towels on top of the drawers as well as two cups, a picture of GA and a box of tissues. The other piece of funiture is a wardrobe but the rail has been taken out so nothing can be hung in there (including people). I could put shoes in there maybe. Attached to the wardrobe is another set of drawers and I have some clothes in them. There is no mirror on top. I have my toiletry bag there and some books.
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I have had a shower but I have no deodorant. If someone had left some in the bathroom, I would have used it but there was only some aftershave left there. I am sitting near the window that looks onto the courtyard. It looks the same as when I was here before, even the sandpit. But there are more leaves in the sandpit this time.
I am still dizzy and find it hard to read and spell. Words look wrong sometimes even though they are right. I am confused about the nurses station - there are two but it seems one of them doesn’t get used although it looks bigger. It is always unlit.
I am no longer being checked every 15 minutes. That maybe the result of seeing the two psychitrists just then. I don’t think they took me seriously. May be hearing that someone wants to die is like, “Yeah, yeah, we hear that all the time”. They would not read what I wrote. I told them I think about cutting and death, it is like horror for me, thoughts are so strong. They are not changing my medication. They wanted me to say how I would like my treatment to continue but I don’t have a clue. If I had more Tegretol I would take them. This feels like a sickness.
Night…. I cut and a nurse came in and found the glass. She was nice and didn’t tell me I was stupid and tell me off for it. I just did it for punishment because I cause problems for everyone. The nurse gave me Seroquel to help me sleep. I don’t understand this. I have tried to be happy before this and hold the depression off. I have made effort. I have been treated by the doctors like I have been slack and I am not happy because I don’t have a job! I thought I was doing everything right, seeing my friends, finishing Christmas shopping (I had enough money so I wasn’t stressed about that) going to Mum’s and having a good time generally. It was like a switch in my head. Sudden. This feels different to depression I have experienced before.
Filed by renaeden at January 21st, 2008 under Related to Mental Health